Love can kill

I was in the depths of sorrow, painful and torment. Is this what they called love?

Pain, pain and pain. That is only thing I can just feel.

Even this is very painful I choose to endure it, I choose still to live in this painful path, I still choose death. I chose to kill myself physically I am alive but mentally and mostly emotionally dying. That is what love done to me. This pain just never heal, and it will never be healed.

Where do I lack?
What did I do to deserve this pain?

Am I really not deserve to be happy?
Do I even deserve to live?

Love, which I never think will kill me slowly inside. I am like a living dead.

My heart, it is beating but it is not functioning anymore. It is now useless, and killing me slowly too.

This might be the consequences flowing against the flow of life, turning your life in a complete misery.

But I chose this, I chose death. If this is what love can do to me, then I am willing to die, just to be with you. If this pain is the expression of love, then I am willing to give up anything just to be with you.

It might be true that physically dead might separate us, but I am sure in my next life, you will be the one that I will choose and love.

Let me be the one to die just to see your beautiful smile on your face,
Let me be the one to die just to hear your sweet caring voice again,
Let me be the one to die just to hear your I love you again.

Let me be the one to die just to be with you.
I love you.


Figure of imagination

“I don’t love her anymore! Please believe in me.”

That’s the last statement I heard from her which still keeps ringing to my head, I felt my soul was taken away from my body, I didn’t notice my feet is already running away from that hospital, and my vision got blurry due to my endless tears,

It’s too late. . . .

It’s my fault. I didn’t notice that I already reach my car and driving to no particular place, I feel my body is just moving on its own accord, steering the wheels of my car, I even didn’t mind the street, if it’s not late night, I might have got accident, luckily there is no cars passing through, because I am driving to the opposite traffic flow, gripping the steering wheel harder, until it turn white. Then I just notice a sea side, I pull my car into curb, and get out to have some fresh air, there are just few lights, it’s really dark, I don’t give a fuck. I palm my face and I’m tired from crying, I can’t feel any tears coming out from my eyes.

It should be me that is around your arms, like a puzzle piece perfectly fitting together, it should be me that kisses your lips and kisses mine, it should be me the reason behind those sweet and gentle smile, it should be me that holds your hand, it should be-

“Why regrets always experience when it is already done?” I startled from where I was standing and I saw a tall woman with her light brown hair is up to her jawline and she is wearing a simple white tee, and some white skinny jeans, propping her chin with her hands as her elbows resting on the metal railings, is she some sort of guardian angel or something? And did she just read my mind?! I am popping my eyes and hanging my mouth open, in horror of course,

“Should not be afraid of me actually” Holy shit! How in the world?

“If you are wo-“ And I literally let out my scream this woman or a ghost probably makes me shiver and I literally run my butt away from her, I suddenly felt that I just manage to escape from that creepy woman, I am catching my breath while leaning on some random tree trunk, and damn running in heels are hard as fuck! I bend and reaching my knees, still panting

“Well, I think you should not run away with your heels or else it might strain your calves and sprain your ankles,” Jesus! I jump scare as I was about to stumble on the ground but she caught me, well that means she’s not a ghost, but how? How did she manage to catch me up?

“W-What a-are you?” I just mutter in shock and she help me to stand properly and fixes my clothes.

“I’m no body.” What?

“Your mind shouted that you just needed me so you created me” This woman is not making any sense at all.

“In short I’m just your figment of imagination.” I’m speechless, is this the sign that I’m hallucinating, am I going crazy? Well thanks to her for making me feel like this, but it is my fault also, but she shouldn’t give me false hope, she should tell me from the start that it’s impossible now to fix everything, I’m really devastated, I felt my heart got ripped out of my chest, it’s too much, and I felt a warm hand wiping my cheeks, I got flustered, her eyes, her hazel gaze is so warm, even though she’s just what she called, my figment of imagination, I felt her being.

“Crying is fine; it releases all the negative emotions out from your body. But seeing you crying and broken like this, I felt, something inside me even I’m just a figment of your imagination, I felt unhappy.” She said and she give me a warm hug and caressing my back, her body is so warm, I felt love, I grip her clothes as I bury my face at her chest, her intoxicating sweet scent penetrates my nose, her gentle caresses makes me feel better.

For a moment, I suddenly forget about her, about her being with someone right now, for tasting my own medicine, it’s partially my fault for being an idiot, and coward, she tried her best to win me, but I pushed her away, I pushed her away to the point that I won’t be able to retrieve her back. Ever again. 
Even though in the first place she’s never been mine, but I just let go the opportunity which I can have her and she can have me. I run away from our dorm, because we are living together, as a matter of fact she’s my roommate,

a minutes later, I heard my phone is ringing, I release the hug and she smile to me, and I felt my cheeks are burning, her smile is too sweet, I just look away because I can’t look at her for long, damn why I’m so affected this much to the woman, well if she’s a person, that I just met a while. I fish out iphone out of the pocket of my skinny jeans,

Sunny calling . . .

I just release a sigh and staring to my phone, and I’m contemplating if I’m going to answer it, well, Sunny is my good friend and she’s also the friend of her, I just watch and feeling my phone vibrating,

“You know they are worried.” I just happen to know which they is she referring to, I chuckled

“Are you my conscience now?” the dried tone still evident to my voice. The woman smile,

“Finally, you talk. Yeah you can think of me as that, but it is up to you it depends on your need.” I just nodded, and I saw my phone stop ringing then I didn’t notice that I have 10 missed calls, and 24 unread messages, maybe I was too focused on my thoughts a while ago. Then I saw it ringing again and it’s from Sunny again of course and I answered it

“YAH! MIYOUNG WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!” I hissed in pain as I retracted my phone away from my ears, I heard a chuckled from the taller woman just in front of me,

“YAH! MIYOUNG DON’T YOU DARE TO HANG UP!” I just release a sigh, even though my phone is away from my ears I can hear her shout,

“I’m with a friend.” I just said with some unsureness to my tone crisps in my voice still evident, because I’ve been crying for a week or so, I dunno, but somehow, I got a feeling that she’s also there listening,


“Sunkyu lower your voice, my friend here literally can hear you.” I just said in my tired tone cutting her because I’m not ready to hear her name, and I heard a sigh from her

“Fany, I’m serious here, where exactly are you and who’s friend?” Shit, now I have to lie,

“Hm, I-I’m with Bora.” I lied, I gotta tell Bora about this, so this midget won’t suspect, I want to be alone for now, well at least I’m not ready to face her again, I’m still hurting, and I can’t even say her name, because I might break down.

“Don’t you dare lie to me Hwang Miyoung, I just called Bora and she said that she’s not with you.” Holy shit! I can sense her threatening and dangerous tone, I gulp my saliva in nervousness, I need to think something so I can escape,

“Oh, Sunny I think I need to go now, my friend and I will go somewhere,” Sorry Sunny, but I’m not ready yet.


“MI-“ I ended the phone call and I quickly turn it off before she call again, I saw the taller woman in front of me with her remorse face, damn so she’s really my conscience now eh?

“So where are we going Miyoung?” The moment she said my Korean name, I felt a current run to my ear, even though I despise my Korean name, the moment she rolls it to her tongue, it’s different

“S-Somewhere . . . away. Away from here … away from her.” I cleared my throat and answered her with whole honesty, I believe that she already read my thoughts though. The taller woman smile, her smile with full of support.

“Okay. Let’s go.” The taller woman holds my hand, damn, her soft hands against mine, it’s really weird that my heart is beating so fast, well she might hear it

“by the way what’s your name?” The woman glance to me, but she still holding my hands securely and she smile

“I have no name, didn’t I said that I’m just a figment of your imagination? You can all me whatever you want.” I purse my lips and still I don’t get, how she can be my imagination, because I felt her real.

“Hm, I can’t think of any, hm, how about . . . “ Her height maybe somewhere in between 170 centimeters, she’s really look like a model, if she happened to be alive, she might be a famous model, or a celebrity perhaps.

“Goliath!” The woman burst in laugh, I just laugh along with her, I can’t believe it, I laugh,

“Goliath? Is it because I’m tall?” Actually yeah, that’s the reason, but she doesn’t suit the name Goliath beside it’s guy’s name. I think again

“Giant!” Well, that’s name calling though it sounded so rude, she still laughing,

“Yah, if you can just tell me your name, then we won’t be having a problem you know.” The woman just smiles and look far away as if she’s thinking

“I really don’t have a name, Miyoung, and it’s really up to you.”

“Hm, how about Gabrielle? Though it’s sounded like guy’s name again,” I just become hopeless thinking of her name for her. I just releases a sigh of defeat and I heard her chuckled and then suddenly I remembered a beautiful name, beautiful, and vibrant

“Summer” it just escapes from my mouth which me made a stop and she looks at me and I can see her smiling in satisfaction,

“I love it.” I thought she will say I love you, my cheeks are burning hot and I smile, beaming my eye-smile, I miss smiling, I’d been so gloomy for this week. The environment seems so dark, and it looks like we are on the outskirt of Seoul, it looks like we reach the boundary of a province, the ambiance is peaceful, but only the fireflies actually gives illumination, how ironic is even though Summer keeps on insisting that she’s just part of my imagination, I don’t feel scared, in spite of being alone. We reach the destination, and it seems that it’s more beautiful than the previous view, it’s a lake, only the source of light is the moon and stars, which reflecting to the water, I mouth agape,

“You like it?” Summer asked and she sit down and she patted the lawn indicating that she inviting me to seat down with her, I smile, and I suddenly felt my tears are running to my cheeks, it’s not the tears of sadness, but it’s the tears of overwhelming joy, and calmness, I suddenly completely forgot my heart broken, it feels like it heals, as I sit beside Summer who is looking to the lake, admiring the view, I found her like a noble prince, she’s gorgeously handsome, I have to admit,

“Thank you, Miyoung.” I got startled, damn I forgot that she can read my mind. I mentally scold myself, and I felt my cheeks are burning. I also look to the lake, it reflects the moonlight, it’s really beautiful

“I just got curious, are you also a human before? I mean, you know, I dunno if you are really just a figment of my imagination, but it feels like there is something else.” I started, Summer chuckled

“You over think things Miyoung-ah, but since you wanted me to be alive, you have no idea that I felt alive because of you. You even give me a name,” I still don’t understand though, is she a soul? Or really an angel, my guardian angel.

“Summer . . . .you won’t leave me right?” I sounded like so desperate but there is part of me that I don’t want her to leave, I’m scared, I’m scared that I won’t have someone like Summer to console me.

“Well summer is a season, it left but it comes back again as the time passes, and maybe as long as you keep on imagining me, I guess?” Summer smiled at me and I grab this moment I can’t contain this feeling it feels attraction, but still I want this heart to be fix but it won’t be fixing it anytime soon, it is very painful, seeing the one that you are love doesn’t loves you anymore, love is depressing and it kills you,

But love is also the one who can heal,

I glance towards Summer and she glances at me with her warm and radiating smile like a sun that is heating during summer,

“please be careful with my heart” I pounced a hug to Summer which made her shocked but well she hugs me back perfectly, I can feel her warm, maybe my warm is just flowing to hers but still, this hug makes my heart calm, and beating very calmly

I hope it will heal soon